"Skuttell's Amazing Mystery Tour" by Simon Bleaken
Simon Bleaken shares his whimsical tale of a tour, suddenly found, from WFQ's "Road Trip 2024" installment.
Welcome back to Weird Fiction Quarterly's weird flash holiday celebration.
I didn't mean to take the weekend off, but the season's flying by, and it was Monday again before I knew it!
Today's story comes to us from the UK, where author Simon Bleaken penned this story that appeared in our summer Road Trip issue.
Get your tickets out for...
Skuttell's Amazing Mystery Tour
by Simon Bleaken
“Hello? Are you open?”
Xarl shuffled nervously into the dark expanse of the almost empty warehouse. His six antennae twitched uncertainly as his skin rippled from blue to chartreuse. Outside, beyond the small dusty window set into the narrow doors, the red sunlight of the world of Zeevvia (which he was visiting) shone down upon towering silver cities and the darting forms of sleek hover-cars that soared above turquoise canals running between the elegant structures.
“Why yes, come on in,” an obsequious voice answered as a towering Arachnoivian scurried into sight, clutching a small computer pad in a spidery limb. “Are you here for a tour?”
“I hope so. The sign outside said ‘the ultimate travel experience’?”
“Indeed. That’s precisely what we offer.” The Arachnoivian smiled, pedipalps twitching eagerly. “I’m Skuttell, the tour manager.”
“Great. I’m Xarl. Nice to meet you.” Xarl smiled in turn, skin rippling back to a reassured mauve. “Though, it seems a bit odd, come to think of it. I only found you because I got lost. Why are you hidden away? And why is this place so run down and empty-looking?”
Skuttell chuckled. “We’re new, and quite exclusive, hence the need for privacy.”
“Exclusive?”
“I promise you the trip of a lifetime.”
“So, where do you go?”
“We offer thrilling mystery tours, through our unique travel devices.” Skuttell gestured at a tall metal cylinder sitting in the heart of the space.
Xarl frowned, confused. “So…it’s like a teleporter then?”
Skuttell moved beside him, draping a hairy leg around his shoulder. “It will take you places you could never imagine.”
“Sounds exciting! How much?”
“We’re actually running a discount today. All trips are free in honour of it being hatching day on the Arachnoivian homeworld.”
“Really? In that case, one ticket please.”
“Excellent. Climb into the tube and lie down. I’ll just set the coordinates.”
Xarl squeezed in. It was a snug fit.
“So, when do I leave?” he asked, feeling unsettled in the claustrophobic embrace of the smooth metal. He could hear the frantic tapping of Skuttell entering commands onto the computer pad outside.
“Right now,” Skuttell laughed. “Bon voyage!”
There was a loud click. Then an angry whirring sound grew steadily louder. An unnerving vibration rattled through the length of the narrow tube.
“Uh, is it meant to do this?” Xarl called.
“It’s just warming up. Give it a second.”
Xarl shrieked as spinning blades burst out of the sides of the tube. He had time to make a confused squeak, almost a question—and then his entire body was pulverised into a thick pulpy soup that squirted out of the lower end of the tube into a large receptacle waiting underneath.
Skuttell chuckled to himself as he imbibed the nourishing fluid. It was delicious and satisfying. He wondered whether or not Xarl was currently enjoying his exclusive journey through the digestive tract of an Arachnoivian.
He decided it didn’t matter, and enjoyed his soup as he waited for another victim to wander in.
The whirring blades of the tube remind me a lot of my holiday task list: too many things to keep track of that will likely be the death of me through a thousand cuts. However, let's knock off Item #1 on that list, the interview!
WFQ: Where else have you been published in 2024?
SB: In 2024 I have been fortunate enough to have been featured on six episodes of the NoSleep Podcast and an episode of Creepy Podcast.
I have also had work in several issues of Schlock! Webzine and in the following anthologies:
Witchcraft and Black Magic in America from Eighth Tower Publications.
The Horror Zine’s Book of Monster Stories from HellBound Books.
When Shadows Creep from Innsmouth Gold.
The Whisperer in Valhalla: North Sea Trilogy, Book Two from Red Cape Publishing.
Hospital of Haunts from Parlor Ghost Press, an imprint of Watertower Hill Publishing.
WFQ: What was your favorite weird fiction that you read this past year?
SB: I loved Blaine Daigle's book A Dark and Endless Sea - a truly superbly written piece of cosmic horror that drips with atmosphere, mystery and dread and should be on everyone's reading list. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
WFQ: What is your favorite weird aspect, character, or story about the holidays?
SB: Is it wrong of me to admit that while I'm not a very Christmassy person? (Still waiting on those three ghosts to stop in, by the way...)
I do enjoy The Nightmare Before Christmas - yes, I probably shouldn't admit that, should I? Despite the fact that Tim Burton's dark vision seems to be waning in recent years (though I loved Beetlejuice Beetlejuice) I do like to celebrate this time of year by dusting off a copy of Nightmare just for the fun of it.
WFQ: What are you working on for 2025?
SB: I have a brand new collection I am preparing for a March release called The Empire of the Moon and Stars and Other Stories - expect a dark journey through past, present and future in 16 tales. I am also scheduled to have a science-fiction tale included in a tribute anthology from Eighth Tower Publications celebrating Stanislaw Lem's classic book, Solaris - though I don't yet know the planned release date for that one.
WFQ: Where can folks follow you online (other than WFQ)?
SB: I have a Facebook group where I share writing news (it's set to private to deter trolls and has two simple entry questions, but people are always welcome) - and people can also find me on Bluesky at @simonbleaken.bsky.social.
Thanks again to Simon for sharing his tale with us. Stay tuned for our next tale. (We promise no more dodgy tours!)